I Hate Money

Seriously. $$ causes problems no matter how you look at it. If you ("you" meaning "me" in this instance...but it's easier to place the blame off of myself, so bear with me/you) have a lot of $$ then you are consumed with buying things with it and if you don't have enough of it you are still consumed with buying things but you can't, so you are just consumed with what you can't buy.

I have been pretty good about buying less since I now make less.
It was fabulous back when I made more. I would shop whenever I wanted, while still saving a good amount. But over the summer, a good deal of "house" things crept up that I easily paid for on my pretty pink credit card. (with a credit card that cute, who doesn't want to shop!?) Our shed, paint, plants, pots, dirt, fabric, light bulbs, wiring, curtains, mud plaster, venting fan, etc, etc, etc. All necessary at the time, but horrifyingly painful to look at the bill now.

Then I was saving up faithfully for a new car. About which time, the old car got smashed and we had to get a new car right away and we used other savings for that and had to get another loan. Joy of all joys. So the car savings (which was smaller) got used for my fabulous new camera. I had been wanting said camera for a very long time and justified it since I had the savings and also because I plan to use it for future business ventures.

The very next week the hot water heater went out and what money I spent on the camera could have/should have/would have been saved for that expense.

In the meanwhile, I have been busily ebay-ing to make up for many of these losses. And as most of my auctions end today I have been checking my stats every three minutes. I never really realized that sellers would check the info as much as buyers would!

And the hard part is going to be deciding where to put the money. I'm thinking about the "saving for the expensive car fix that will be coming up before we drive to visit family in Florida in February." But there's also the "saving for driving to Florida in February" that I have to think about. Not to mention the previously mentioned "seemingly insurmountable ever-looming credit card debt that has mounted over the past 7 months that I'd really prefer not to think about at all but it looms so I have to think about it."

I really enjoy budgeting and organizing the bills and getting everything paid early (kind of like Monica who assumes everyone pays their bills as soon as they come in the mail) but I also am a horrible compulsive shopper.

When will I ever learn!? I don't need half of the things I have and sometimes when I open my closet(s) I am sickened by the amount. But I want, I want, I want.

We have already decided it would be a small Christmas this year. When asked what is on my list, I usually just say books. Surely I don't need anything else. At least a book can increase my brain more than just being a possession.

I should be/I need to be/I want to be giving money and things to church and charity this year, but sadly I can't even do that. Again, sickened by what I have and by what I wish I could give. Time, I can give, and I will, but that just doesn't seem to make up for it.

I don't know what I hope to accomplish by this telling blog post. Maybe I just needed to get my problem out for the world to see for my own accountability. Maybe I really need someone to tell me to quit buying things. Some days it's so easy when I'm in my right mind, and other days I find myself in the mall or any other store and the pink car fairly flies out of my hand. At least now, I leave it at home. In a drawer. It should probably be under lock & key.