Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Messiness of Life

Have you ever felt like you just stink at life? Not that you aren't good at one thing or another, but that you simply aren't good at living life.

That's how I've felt lately. As though I can't do any aspect of life well. There is obviously the basic added complication of a second child and I won't say, "I didn't know it would be this hard," because I did. I even expected this kid to be more difficult than the last and he's lived up to that well!

But along with that I feel like I am just stumbling by day after day. Cleaning, washing, feeding, burping, changing, sleeping, rewind and repeat. All that without even adding in the forgetfulness. The balls being dropped. I'm pretty sure I have let down everyone I have come into contact with. I'm convinced that I have neglected more things than I can even count. And then as soon as I feel like I've got one thing under control, I find another that I have failed miserably at.

It's not like I'm not happy. I adore my husband and my children and life is basically pretty good. I'm just not holding up my end of the bargain. I'm a mediocre parent, wife, friend, coworker.

Maybe it's just that I want too much. We all want to be good at what we do, but I feel like I don't have the mental capacity or energy to even begin to strive towards that. So instead I just blunder through my days. Blah, blah, blah.

How do I ever catch up? Where do I start? Has anyone else ever felt this way? I want to think it's just a phase, but I've kind of felt like I've been in this phase for a while now, not just since the new baby, that's just exacerbated the whole thing.

Ugh. Maybe it's just the rainy, dreary day. Maybe I just need to be ok saying, "I'm sorry," more often. It's just getting old.

10 comments:

Luanne said...

You know, I feel like that right now in the midst of this move. But I have felt that before, too. Don't worry, you'll come out of it! The key is to not try to do everything at once. Once one thing is "together" move on to the next. Take a look at your life and see where Anne is lacking...not just what you are lacking at accomplishing. You are no good to the world unless you nourish yourself and your soul too. It's when I remember that, that things fall back into place. You'll get there :)

Michelle said...

ugh...yes! I feel exactly the same way right now. I'm thinking the best thing is to lower my expectations of myself. & try to live in the moment above everything else. I'd love to get more done and invest fully in every relationship I have, but that's just not possible. I'm hoping to absorb enough of the girls while they're young...b/c you never hear people say "I spent too much time w/ my kids, I should have cleaned more..."

minorleaguedad said...

I think I can easily speak for Anneke when I say I think we've both been feeling this way recently. What makes it worse is that this should be the time of year for us to catch up on everything, and it seems like we're getting even further behind...and we keep adding more stuff! Just can't help it. On top of that, we back-burner things in order to spend as much time as possible all together as a family, and so things get even more jumbled.

You're not alone...for whatever that's worth.

Carlie said...

Wow did child number two rock my world. I was an emotional, sobbing mess much of the time for the first 6 months...and then somehow life improved...I got stronger and more able and more mentally robust again, the baby got bigger and more capable, Aaron and I figured out the quirks of everyone's new needs in this stage and we kept rolling. I am betting that a lot of it is just the particular phase you're in at the moment. Let it ride, give up perfection, surround yourself with one or two people you know will forgive you endlessly for letting them down and try to get as much sleep as you can. Life will iron out again. I'm hoping number three will feel saner but we'll see soon! *wince wince*

K. said...

Yes, I think everyone feels that way. I feel that way when I see my friend run a day home with 5 kids under 3, and she's still able to bake cookies and cakes in the evening, make dinner every night, keep her home clean, keep up with her crafting,go to yoga class once a week, coach softball 2 days a week and even get some sleep (despite her 1.5 year old son who still gets up 2x a night). I feel like she's so together and I'm... a failure. But I think it's totally normal to feel that way, and I'm sure she feels that way too sometimes. Especially when we have young children that we are responsible for. It makes having time for yourself nearly impossible, even if you have help form spouses, family, friends. Your life feels like it's not your own and you're just TIRED. And that's the way it's going to be until the kids are a little more independent and you don't have to hover over them every waking minute of their lives. You're doing great... hang in there. It will get better!

Tricia said...

ANNE...YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT AT STUFF...YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ALL THINGS WELL...You only have to do the best you can. You are a wife, a mom, a leader at church, and so much more. Don't be so hard on yourself...I NEVER get stuff done around this house but I love my husband and kids and I do my best...that is ALL you have to do. When we get to heaven God is not going to go over how well you cleaned up...relationship with HIM and others is more important!!

Jean said...

Makes perfect sense. I've felt stuck for a couple years now and am just starting to feel like I'm moving, very, very slowly. Even when I had no job and was at home, I felt like doing nothing. All the above are great advice and thoughts. You know you the best, and are a fantastic mom, friend, wife and employee. You take care of you first, then as Luanne said, everything will come together.

Kris said...

there are some exceptions, but these kinds of days seem to be the norm here too. It is a tough transition, and the work we do either has to be re-done constantly, or we don't see results for, you know, years or something. And it never stops. sigh.
By the way, I misplaced my car/house keys, and they are still lost. Since last wednesday.
And I haven't been able to meet up with a friend in at least 2 weeks.
Guess this isn't much help, but I am right there with ya.

Kassi said...

it is totally normal to feel bluesy. you just gave birth to a baby a month ago, and your hormones are trying to balance themselves out. Most likely, those that love you completely understand. don't be so hard on yourself! besides the past few days here in MI have been gloomy. Take this time to relax and enjoy the quiet of not being everything for everyone. Most of all...pray!

Hillary said...

Anne, you have put into words EXACTLY what I am feeling. Different roles, different circumstances, but EXACTLY what I'm feeling right now. Praying for you today.

Also, did Kris pass this on, or did you see this on her blog? It even encouraged ME and I'm not a mom!

http://motherhoodconfessions.com/?p=204#more-204

Love to you today!