The Gnight the Gnome was Gnapped

Since I have only a few more days at my job, I have been going through old emails and files and saving things I want to keep personally, filing things for work that need saving here, and so forth.

In doing so, I came across a series of emails from the intial gnome-napping incident. This was quite a morning. In my yahoo inbox was a ransom letter. The type with cut-out letters and everything. We were told that Gary was being held for ransom and that we wouldn't get him back unless he paid up.




I have pasted in those emails from that fateful day. For posterity. For a few laughs. For the heck of it. You might not think it's funny. But really, trust me, it's hysterical. At least to me. And really, all I type here is for my own benefit, right? You're my free shrink.



Ok. Let me set it up. I've gotten the ransom email. I emailed the nappers back to let them know I was hiring a hit-man and they'd better not mess with me. Then I let a few friends know the situation at hand. We were all waiting for the noon hour to see what the gnome-nappers were going to do at that appointed deadline, as I hadn't paid up. The following is an accurate transcription of all that followed. As well as who was doing the talking. Names have been abbreviated to protect the innocent. Except for me. You already know who I am.

Enjoy!

The Gnight the Gnome was Gnapped


The time is fast encroaching! I don't know what to do!! Anne

You better start praying and praying hard that they don't de-hat him or worse yet......paint him! JB

NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Anne

But, maybe he'll become famous. Like the Roaming Gnome for Travelocity... EB

(It is now past noon)


So what happened!?!?!?!?! JB

Nothing yet. Pretty pathetic gnome-nappers if you ask me.And they're going to have to answer to me for this crime. And our hitman. Anne

They're probably to Canada by now... EB

They can't hide from us. Anne

Anne, How disasterous! Cowards! Poor Gary ... did these kidnappers leave any clues? You know, statistically speaking, kidnappers are usually intelligent, fairly handsome, and have very nice teeth and abs. Do you know anyone like this? I'm no PI, but I've done some sleuthing in my day. General rule of thumb - start with your immediate friends and family. The worst mistake you can make is to think that the kidnapper is some dummy because, like I said, generally speaking, they're geniuses. Also don't give up hope that Gary is dead - you need to be strong and show resolve. When this makes the national press, you'll have to compose yourself.So stay calm and think about what the kidnappers might possibly want. BH

Hmmmm... You have nice teeth, BH, and you consider yourself a genious. EB

You really think Brad Pitt is the kidnapper--awesome! I'll go on the chase...don't tell DS. JS

No, Brad is too high profile ...as much as I'm sure the snatchers may have his bone structure and weight lifting abilities, I doubt that his position in the lime light is conducive to this type of heist. Noo....hmm ...I'm smelling something much... darker at work here. Yet so... brilliant! It's hard to meld these two worlds of
awe into one person, but that's precisely the challenge with cases such as these. Oh Wait...Eureka! I've had an epiphany. It may not be a single hijacker! Think of it! Oh my...yes, yes...it's all coming together. It's so...obvious! They work as a team. There's no way that that level of sophistication and brilliance can be accounted for in one person. The fact that it appears the Ferrises were home at the time suggests they work in tandem. One distracts, the other snatches. Oh great Zeus, why didn't I see this before!? Anne, we'll get these beautiful, wicked people! Hang in there! BH

I'm right behind you JS! I hope he's wearing his toolbelt! BOH

Okay girls, stop lusting - that's precisely what these criminals want you to do! They want you to get sidetracked so badly you forget you ever had a gnome...or husband for that matter! No, you will resist and be strong! BH

You know, my first thought was that it was one of those evil geniuses. But then when they gave no indication of what they specifically wanted, nor did they tell me what to do with my money. There was a slight clue. Gary was locked in a cat carrier...and chained to a pole in a room that had wood paneling and was most likely a basement, due to the cement floor. I can't think of anyone I know who fits the profile that would have cats and a wood paneled basement though. Good thing we hired that hit-man. Anne

Yeah, I agree with Anne. I think it's more a Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys type person...SO HOT! Or maybe Fight Club Brad and he was warring with himself on whether or not to do the deed...either way, it was a totally hot heist. JS

You know....I do know someone that has cement floors......wood paneling walls......was at your house this week....but I don't dare put out there whom I think it may be as I don't want something from my house stolen.....i have my opinion though.....JB

Yeah. You'd better be careful, JB One never knows what these type of heinous people are capable of. Anne

Anne, Anne, Anne...don't be a simpleton. Please, you're making too many assumptions here! Only 8% of all heists that fit this profile take place in the criminal's own state or country, let alone their house! Those wood panels and "cat carriers" as you claim (though it looked much more like a Middle Eastern prison to me, or, perhaps, Bangladesh) could easily have been digitally added in later so as to confuse or mislead. The important part is that Gary appeared to be okay and unharmed.Please, leave the thinking to the pros.BH

No, it was a pretty crappy picture taken by an amateur. I don't think this perpetrator would have the ability or know-how to digitally alter it. You forget, I've watched a lot of Law & Order. Anne

Law & Order!? Anne, you do a disservice to those of us in law enforcement! Though just a hobbyist, I still take offense! No, Law & Order is for sissies and Garth Brooks fans. Anne, let me show you my investigative prowess by bringing your attention to the fact that Mr. DS has not been sent this email. Coincidence? I think not. Follow the trail, Anne, follow the trail. BH

I was IM'ing w/ DS earlier. He had to go because he felt as a friend, and someone with a minivan, he was the one most able to gnab Gnary the Gnome. Many various ropes, camoflage fatigues, and silicones can fit in a minivan. EB

Precisely. I'll get on the horn with the NSA and make sure we train satellites on his position. It disgusts me...he buys a minivan and then thinks he owns the world. I already got off the phone with Michael Chertoff from Homeland Security and they have denied an Amber Alert for Gary because he "isn't one of us". Unfortunately this only underscores the need to bring to light the discrimination against gnomes which has become so commonplace. BH

You are digging your hole deeper and deeper BH. I'd stop now if I were you.....You are sounding very defensive in this business.....JB

JB, please STOP!!! Our garden gnome may be next. Oh... Wait... We don't have a garden gnome. So, never mind. You can keep accusing BH. EB

I have a feeling someone is suggesting it is US!? The H’s?! We have cats and wood panelling in our basement... but we don't have cement floors! We have cool tiled floors! With shuffle board! I love Gary! I hope you would NEVER think I would do anything that horrible! Poor Gary. Have you heard anything yet? Is he still alive? BOH

Hey, by the way, BH, how did you see those pictures?? Anne

I monitor a police scanner at work and heard the call come across. So sad. BH

You can "hear" pictures now?! Anne

Anne, you know nothing of the law enforcement world. Of course you can't "hear" pictures. But when a call comes out and I get an IPB on a case, I am given a dossier on the case which includes photos, phone taps, and toilet paper preferences on the criminals. Again, I plead with you Anne, leave the ingestigation to the pros here. BH

I think someone's living in an imaginary world. A world where he is nationally important, has numerous world-renown contacts and is eminently knowledgeable. It's sad really. And the consequences that he will now have to live with. Anne

Let's all dip a handful of cash from the offering at church this week to go toward the "Get Gary Gnome Home" (G3H) fund.JS

Anne, You're playing into their hands like a bug towards one of those blue zapper things! Don't you see!? You've pinned your aggression on your peers, on those who are here to support you. Have the courage, woman,to stand up and take the bull by the horns! Go after them! BH

You forget the hit-man. Anne

The hit man in the mini van? JS