Monday, May 15, 2006


We all have one. Or had one at some point in our life. We all know one or will be one or already are one. I think Moms are more respected than they used to be. It's a worthy job title to be sure.

I don't usually call mine on mother's day. For many reasons, not the least of which is that she can't answer the phone. That and I don't know how to hold a conversation with her over the phone if I by chance can get someone else to answer her phone.

She used to be a great mom. She used to be the best mom. I remember she was always supportive, she used to send me mail when I was away at Grandma's, she used to cry whenever I'd leave for a week, she taught me how to cook and how to sew and how to love life. I remember great meals, laughing (we both have the loudest laughs ever), playing games, shopping...but I also remember the tears and the frustration and the pain and the suffering.

There are parts of life that I don't think we will ever understand. I don't think we are meant to understand. But are we meant to just accept them? Are we suppose to just sit back and say, "oh well, I guess that's just how it is?" I don't think I will ever accept what has happened to my mother and who she has become. I don't think I have to.

Sometimes I am accepting. But I think those are the times I have just put her out of my mind. I don't let myself think about it too much because then I will plague myself with guilt and sadness. I didn't do enough. I should be with her. I should have made him take care of her. I should do more. I should be better. And some of that is true and some of that is a lie.

It's easier to just put it away from my thoughts. I don't want a replacement mother. I think when someone tries to mother me it only makes me more frustrated and angry. Be my friend, be my relative, be whatever, but don't try to be my mother. I'm not bitter and I'm surprisingly well-balanced. I'm ok being independant. I'm ok depending on my Father. He is dependable and reliable and unconditional. He brought me through this so far and blesses me abundantly above what I feel I deserve.

My dad on the other hand, is a completely different story. He's coming to visit for Memorial Day Weekend and I have no idea what to do with him. And I am not looking forward to it. And my brother plans on skipping town. And I don't know how to explain that to dad. If there's anything I want to put out of my thoughts it's him.

I guess I say all this to remind anyone who has a loving parent to be thankful for them. To let them know how much you appreciate them. To remind yourself how blessed you are. And in return to be the best parent you can be.

Do I even want to be a parent? To take the chance of putting my child through what I went through. To take the chance of passing on a gene to them that would cause such a tragedy.

Ah life. The choices, the heartache, the changes, the continuity, the drama. Life is good in spite of it all. Life is pain. Life is life.


heather said...

ann, thanks for your honesty. although i can't relate to what you feel, i do know what it's like to be pissed about pain inflicted on parents... love you!

anne said...

Ah my sweet Heather. I have to tell you something. I appreciate your love and your friendship so very much.

However, it's Anne with an 'E'. Though my hair may not be very red right now, I do talk too much, tend to be rather explosive in my emotions and can be crazily over-dramatic. I don't want marble halls but I am always there for my friends in a pinch when they are drunk. Just for reference.


Krisco said...

This is a moving post. I'm sorry for whatever has happened to your mom, and for the dad you have.

Thanks for sharing this and for a good reminder.

And sometimes, the people who come from the hardest parents make the parents. They know what they want instead.

BeckyD said...

Hey Anne! I've been out traveling for awhile so I've missed some of your posts, but I've been catching up this afternoon!
First, let me say thank you for the birthday wishes! You remembered!
Second, I know a little bit more than some about your past, but only because I grew up with you. I can't say that I understand...I wouldn't know how to keep connected with my Mom if she was unable to do for herself. I did enjoy going to see your Mom when I was home soon after Hannah was born and she absolutely loved Hannah. But you're right, she's so much different from the Mom you grew up with. But PLEASE don't let that deter you from having your own children. I can't even begin to describe the joys I would have missed out on if I had chosen not to have Hannah just because something might happen to her. She may die one day of diabetes and that will be something I would have passed on to her or she may die of cancer or she could have had the problems that Josh was born with, but you can't focus on the what-ifs or you miss her telling her Granddaddy..."I don't know, Sweetie...what I talkin' about." Or her walking into the kitchen and looking at me and saying "You're so cute, Mama." Or her precious kisses when she gets up in the morning or hearing her cheer me on when I go potty on the big girl potty! :) Anne, your child's life will be so precious that while you will want to shield them from all harm, you will never wish that you had never had them in order to protect them from that same harm. God never promised that life would not have its difficulties, but He has always promised that He will not give us more than we can bear.
I love you Anne and will be praying for you!

anne said...

Thanks, are so sweet! : ) And of course, I know you are completely right. I really do know it. I can't wait to see your little sweetie in person one day! :)

And you are welcome! I am trying oh so hard to stay on top of birthdays! I love them so much myself that it's only fair!

Love right back at you.

heather said...

oh, dear! sorry anne-with-an-e

anne said...

That is quite all right. This time...

Carbon said...

I'm sorry you have to deal with such heartache. Life is never easy. Some have it harder, some easier. I wish there were bandages that healed all the ouchies in this world.

Your a strong chickie Anne, don't let fear stand in the way of making yourself some great opportunities.

anne said...

Thanks, Maki! I wish those bandages were available too...But what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? Or some such cliche as that! :)

Jean said...

You are one strong woman. To visit your past and see what you have done for your mom is amazing. You are amazing in my eyes. Your mom sounds like she was an amazing woman. She shared life with you and helped in sculpting you into the woman you are. You are you and I love you for being you! You are going to be an amazing mom someday as you're an amazing woman right now.

Sizzle said...

i am SO grateful for my mom. thanks for the extra boost to feel so thankful.

anne said...

Thank you my sweet Jean. do I have a lot to live up to! :)

Sizz...I'm so glad! :)

kerri anne said...

This was a beautiful, and heart-wrenching post. But thank you for it. I am definitely thankful. smooches to you babe.

Anna said...

Anne, you have blessed me with your friendship, even in its early stage. I have been watching how you live, so full of life and love...and often wonder where does a person gain permission to be themselves so boldly... and never apologize. I'm sure your mom is proud of who you are,and knows the deep love you have for her. Thank you for sharing your story and how God has been your strength.

anne said...

Anna, it's interesting that you should say that...sometimes I feel like I should apologize for myself all the time.

But thank you for the encouragement. You are such a sweet friend and I am so very thankful for you! :)

I can't wait to take you guys out to see the Pirates!!